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Can't Save Me From Myself
Aug. 9th, 2009 12:25 amI'm sorry to say that I follow that old cliche of being my worst enemy. I undermine my ability, my self-confidence. I give in to the anxiety I feel, that fear that sends me bending over and grabbing my knees for dear life. That's not gonna help when the anxiety is all in my head. The internal trying to affect the external. And it's not really logical. Just gotta remember to breathe and things start getting better.
I've often struggled with writing and feeling like I have the permission to write. Writing classes gave me a reason to write, but having to be responsible for my own writing, for making myself generating ideas when I do not have any specific purpose in mind, I never make myself do what I need to do. Or I let excuses settle in and just accept them.
I'm a writer who doesn't write. I'm worse at this now than I was years ago, even. Now I hardly even think about it. But I'm on the verge of changing that. I am changing that. A conversation with a customer at Borders showed me what I was doing. He asked me what I wrote and I couldn't tell him about any of the stories I had written. I told him I would get back to him and he laughed and said that my stating that I didn't even remember what I had written really showed my disinterest in the subjects. I don't really think this is the case, though. I think the case is that I was so focused on completing the NaNo that I didn't look further than that. And that's what I need to do: set out what the plan after NaNo is going to be.
On Monday, I'm going to go through my computer for my old NaNo files and see if there are stories that I want to complete. I also have plenty of other stories I want to complete, but right now I will start with NaNos. There is also my short story collection I need to get back to. That was nearly ready to be published. So that and NaNos. There. I have a plan for stuff to work on in writing between now and November. Wasn't so hard. As long as I make the time, it really isn't that hard.
I've often struggled with writing and feeling like I have the permission to write. Writing classes gave me a reason to write, but having to be responsible for my own writing, for making myself generating ideas when I do not have any specific purpose in mind, I never make myself do what I need to do. Or I let excuses settle in and just accept them.
I'm a writer who doesn't write. I'm worse at this now than I was years ago, even. Now I hardly even think about it. But I'm on the verge of changing that. I am changing that. A conversation with a customer at Borders showed me what I was doing. He asked me what I wrote and I couldn't tell him about any of the stories I had written. I told him I would get back to him and he laughed and said that my stating that I didn't even remember what I had written really showed my disinterest in the subjects. I don't really think this is the case, though. I think the case is that I was so focused on completing the NaNo that I didn't look further than that. And that's what I need to do: set out what the plan after NaNo is going to be.
On Monday, I'm going to go through my computer for my old NaNo files and see if there are stories that I want to complete. I also have plenty of other stories I want to complete, but right now I will start with NaNos. There is also my short story collection I need to get back to. That was nearly ready to be published. So that and NaNos. There. I have a plan for stuff to work on in writing between now and November. Wasn't so hard. As long as I make the time, it really isn't that hard.
